There’s lots of fracturing around, and yet I’ve also been witnessing so many people in my circles become more daring – daring to say the hard thing that needs to be said, daring to shine a light on what’s not working, daring to contradict or critique the boss or authority. By doing so, these brave humans are not only showing up for their own inner authority and integrity, they are daring to shift communities and organizational cultures by loving their colleagues and collaborators with the truth.
I’m in awe. (And how lucky am I that maybe supporting these people means that the courage rubs off?) Here’s an example of what the daring looked like for me last year:
I attempted to start a monthly women’s circle here in Omaha in May. Three out of the seven people invited and who responded that they wanted to join came to that first meeting. Despite some beautiful connection and sharing, by June there apparently was no steam.
On the day of the circle’s second meeting – after texting those who had RSVP’ed yes – I heard again and again that folks would not be coming. I was deeply hurt, so I abruptly canceled the gathering. Opening my home and preparing a meal is to me a cherished act of sharing myself, and all I could initially interpret from the non-communication was disrespect.
I cried and cried and had to tend to some deep, old wounds.
Then I decided to tell them, to “make a stink,” as I had been advising my clients and friends to do inside their social justice and global development organizations. After processing with beloveds and a reiki appointment, two days later I wrote a long email at 3am to tell the invitees that my decision to cancel was not about any one individual or the choice they made to come or not come. I was impacted by the non-communication of everyone.
It was so hard.
I decided my responsibility to my invitees was to try to be as clear as possible about what this invitation was, and what it was not. The circle was not a club or social group that either fits in one’s schedule or not. What I was attempting to offer these friends (who all knew me, but did not yet know everyone else) was a means of rebuilding community. In the most fundamental ways, circle practice is a way to build relationships, and also to be with what is without advising, fixing, or solving. So much in our culture tempts us to look away from suffering – including our own, but being in circle has ushered in some of the most transformational moments of my life.
Not one person who said yes in May was coming in June. I understand that having jobs and raising families often means that people have a lot (!) going on, but my needs and the depth of this local offering mattered too. I wrote the email because I wanted to not only share my disappointment, but to affirm that my friendships with each of them would not change. I was concerned for each of them and their level of overwhelm (and for us all on this planet), and to affirm that community starts with showing up for each other – not only materially or politically – but in all ways related to our most basic and shared humanity.
I didn’t invite these people all together lightly. I invited them because I care about their survival and mine, and many others. I do think the stakes are that high. Before our first meeting here in the middle of the U.S., we lost 10 souls in a Buffalo grocery store and 19 babies and two teachers in Uvalde. Before this meeting that was to take place, we lost our bodily autonomy under the law. Community where we can feel welcome and whole and free, despite whatever else is going on, is the only way forward that I can understand.
Our current cultural scripts – rooted in control, extraction, domination, and superiority – from our most intimate relationships to our largest institutions – are not sufficient for the transformation that is required for any of this to change.
This is a time of reckoning with and reclaiming what has been pushed down for generations, and I know that I can’t do that alone. Also I know – deeply – the limitations of self-care. That’s also why I wanted to create and offer a space where we can all come as we are – tired, stressed, elated, numb, inspired, furious, joyous – and know that it is all welcome, that all the parts of us are welcome. In fact, that’s the whole point. I also didn’t want any of this to feel heavy, or for any one of the individuals invited to feel responsible for my feelings.
Showing up to the actual space was just step one, and at the time I was inclined to think that this experiment has failed. At play was individualism, the pressure and demands that late-stage capitalism places on caregivers, and patriarchy’s denial of the importance of friendship and community in our lives.
Most importantly perhaps, I decided to be transparent with my friends about the information I was receiving overall – that the invitees to this yet unformed group were not that interested in forming and building community in the ways that I understand it. Given this new information, I had to listen and perhaps shift my energy to something else.
Here’s the thing: The circle was intended to be a gathering that is subterranean, counter-cultural, and…daring. I was daring to invite them in the first place. They were daring to say yes. I dared to assume community was what they needed, but they did not dare arrive.
Every single one of us deserves to be in places where we can experience sustained care, attention, and emotional investment from our peers – not just transactional interactions. We deserve spaces to be fully ourselves – where we can ignite our spirit and renew our connections to each other. I believe groups like these are what the world needs, not just you or me or those I had invited. In circle, we learn that small isn’t small and slow isn’t slow. It’s survival. It’s joy. It’s security. It’s…human.
Will I dare to keep finding my lessons in all this?
Where will I dare find the people who are ready to do things differently?
Where will you?
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There are over 1800 people daring to reimagine global development practice in Healing Solidarity’s online collective. Four years in, do we dare try to raise more money? Reprioritize? Restructure? Round up and close out? What should we do? Especially if neither perpetuity nor growth is a given for us as Advisory Board members.
Join us in a series of 4 open strategy conversations on next steps with our leaders, members & supporters! Click here for more details and registration.
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