This is possibly one of the most personal things I have ever written for how-matters.org.
Sometimes…often…it’s hard to choose me.
It’s much easier to focus on getting things done at work.
How many years has it been since I’ve been to the dentist? I’ve been meaning to order that standing desk for how long now? This week I had wanted in the evenings to go to church and to the chiropractor. Did I? No, I worked late instead both nights, because the to-do list hadn’t been yet completed when it was time to leave.
It’s hard to choose me.
There’s no need to psychoanalyze here why this occurs for me personally. (I don’t need to get that vulnerable in this blog.) But I am claiming and sharing my struggles because I have a feeling other people in the nonprofit/NGO sector can see these traits in themselves and have faced similar regrets.
Worst is the guilt that comes after the late night of work, knowing that I should have kept that promise to myself, and worrying why I didn’t have the resolve to do so.
I work with an incredible group of people. We walk with each other in this struggle, and do all we can to share the burdens and offer the encouragement we need to put ourselves first, knowing full well that the work suffers if we don’t.
Yet ultimately, at the end of the day, it’s up to me.
It occurred to me this week, in a moment of feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities, that self care is the problem, and the solution. This feeling of overwhelm was being made worse by the fact that I didn’t carve out enough recharge time for myself. And the only thing that would soothe this feeling was carving out enough recharge time for myself.
As the Move to End Violence shared during its 21-day self care for sustainability and impact challenge,
“To achieve lasting social change, we need a movement that is driven by powerful, creative and impactful individuals who can stay in this work for the long-haul.”
Nonetheless, the self care call is a hard one to hear when most of the time we are flanked by a constant barrage of “what highly effective people do” and “10 things you need to do to increase your productivity.” I’m concerned when happens when self care is yet another thing I’m afraid I’m not accomplishing and becomes yet another thing I can use to be hard on myself. Other nonprofit folks are even wondering when self care goes too far.
What makes self care not a luxury, but a spiritual practice? How can I connect with self care as revolution? What will make it a non-negotiable?
So I write this, attempting to own the fact that not choosing myself has ramifications across my professional and personal life. I don’t exactly fit the profile of a “hyper,” escapist expat aid worker or the nonprofit martyr/savior archetype with “helping profession syndrome,” but still, some deeper questions are required.
Whose expectations am I trying to fulfill when the tyranny of the to-do list at work seems to always get prioritized over that now-much-needed haircut or getting my taxes done? (Ugh, taxes.)
I want to get the balance right. I need to understand why it’s so hard to choose me.
***
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Maybe Merton had it figured out?
“It is true that we are called to create a better world. But we are first of all called to a more immediate and exalted task: that of creating our own lives.” ~Thomas Merton
Amen sister.
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